Founder/Guide

As a kid, I remember my first memory of consciousness was at age 5. It felt like a bolt of lightning out of the sky. Standing in the garden with my dad, I realized I was not alone in this world and I began to wonder if other people felt the way I did and saw what I saw. It was around this time I began to notice patterns in myself, in others, and receiving downloads or messages (some people may call them) that “prepared” me for what was ahead in my life. Did I always like what I heard? No, not at all. In fact, some messages I received were downright gut-wrenching but I eventually learned to interpret what I heard as data, not as something harmful or scary. My gifts have guided me through life like a giant magnet. All of it matters, none of it has been for nothing. My experiences taught me there are things I cannot control; mostly about other people. Just like you, my presence in this world, matters and this is my life to live. Life has taught me a lot about how the human heart operates on coherence; a fancy word for alignment, if we can get our ego out of the way long enough to let the heart speak.

I discovered over and over again that the Universe doesn’t pull any punches as it flows which taught me how to surrender. Yes, I said, surrender. I even have that word tattooed on my right forearm as a reminder to stay elastic and compassionate in every direction possible. As a young athlete, I experienced the power in the conversation between my mind-body-spirit-shadows. I found flow when I faced my challenges, trusting my skills would eventually catch up. Life doesn’t get easier; we just get better at living it.

I call on the image of the Raven because during some of the most painful times in my life, I could still feel the Universe showing up for me, oozing over my wounds. Light with dark. Dark with light. I found it impossible to drop one and hold the other. They had to co-exist, pushing and pulling on each other for benevolent good. One of my values is rooted in being self-reflective and how I am affecting the world around me. As Andi Tillmann, one of my friends and mentors says, self-reflection is the most anti-oppressive thing any of us can do.

‍Over the years, I have continued to strengthen my connection with the Universe like I strengthen my muscles in the weight room. And, the Universe continues to show its presence. It gives as much as it takes. Balance in beauty. The most beautiful moments of my life, like birthing and raising my children and meeting my wife, Kim. Regardless of what I am going through, I feel protected and guided in ways words can’t always explain. Joy is a vulnerable place we find within. It is the feeling that introduces us to where belonging lives.

I didn’t know any openly transgender/queer people during childhood and grew up internalizing society's messages that something must be wrong with me since my sense of gender and sexuality didn’t match up who I was conditioned to be. It was like being followed around by a wall of tsunami water, wondering when it would swallow me up. When I did “come out”, I found nothing swallowed me up; just a new version of me emerged. Often messy and definitely with a lot of clunk, I never looked at the process like running from myself. I was following that pull closer to home. Included in that journey was a serious shift in my sense of value and self-worth. We are not built to fix others; we are designed for transformation.

I don’t believe people are broken. That said, there is no love and light without social justice. Discernment was the most challenging thing for me to learn. People seek healing because of how our oppressive systems, which get co-opted by other people, treat them. I look at my life like the years I have spent so far have been moving towards my higher Self; no time lost, here to gain skills, and to treat myself with compassion and empathy being the gold medals.

At age 39, I found myself a sobbing mess on my home office floor. Truth and love had come for me and was lifting my load, giving me everything I had asked for… though, it felt like hell at first. Joy is vulnerability we are not always prepared to hold. Waking up to the abusive marriage I was in, learning what an enmeshed family system was, how in the hell I was going to get out, knowing family court was my best chance at freedom as a transgender parent and autonomy for my transgender child. The loving Universe, as Brene Brown describes in her blog, “The Midlife Unraveling”, came for me, whispering in my ear, “It’s time….and you know it."

I looked up at the Aspen tress in my backyard and began to talk to them. I didn’t know what else to do. So I asked, “Where do I go from here?”

I heard, “Follow the root.”

That was the way through. I could not ‘out think’ my body’s wisdom any longer. Being transgender, nonbinary and neurodivergent, I couldn’t conform because who I am lives outside the circle of dominant culture. (Refer to the Wheel of Power and Privilege) After decades of believing I am a giant problem, I finally began to look at the how oppressive structures operate, connecting it to how I was viewing myself, where I have privilege and learned how I can use it for good. I started blaming myself less, acknowledged my feelings more and let my body and, the Universe, do the rest. It wasn’t of course as simple as it sounds. Supremacy-fueled oppression is a complex system of coervice control which conditioned me to be scared of myself, to not want to know myself, to call myself rude names, side punch other people, and to believe my sacred life was somehow “unacceptable”. My body had heard every word and it was now screaming at me to make it stop.

My greatest accomplishment lives in being a parent and building a life I love with my wife, Kim. My children are life-changing events and their existence invited me into places I thought I couldn’t ever go, or…didn’t want to face. My family inspires me everyday because my life affects their life. They empower me to turn myself into someone who stands for love, for autonomy, for humanity, for my life, for theirs, and alongside others.

“Out beyond any ideas of right or wrong doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” ~Rumi

That is the quote I came across when I was nagivating my transition as a nonbinary person. When none of the labels and names I was given at birth fit, this quote shifted my perspective immediately, giving me an image that belonging existed. It was within me; I just had to be brave enough to start somewhere.

Thank you for joining along in this wild ride. Grab some snacks. Keep your water bottle full of water. Do the best you can with the mind, body, spirit and shadow that brought you here. There’s no mess-ups, just mini solos.

Don’t forget, far beyond what you may be able to see now, at your core, you are loved beyond any measure.

You are a ball of magic!

Xx,

Alex